The Most Important Conversations You’ll Ever Have

How do the conversations we have with children about emotions shape their relationship with themselves? It’s a critical question—because over time, the way we talk about emotions becomes the way they talk to themselves. These early lessons shape their coping strategies, wellbeing, and adaptability for life.

If you haven’t seen the video It’s Not About the Nail, it’s worth a watch. It’s a humorous but insightful take on how we respond to emotions—sometimes missing what really matters.

Our families and communities are shaped by emotion display rules—unspoken expectations about which emotions are “appropriate” to feel and express. These rules are often gendered.

• Boys are often allowed to show anger, but sadness or hurt? Not so much.
• Girls, on the other hand, are often permitted to express sadness but discouraged from showing anger.

Of course, boys do feel sadness, just as girls do feel anger. But over time, they may learn these emotions aren’t “acceptable” for them—and this shapes their emotional lives.

Even the questions we ask our children influence their emotional development.

• A task-focused question: “What did you do at school today?”
• A feeling-focused question: “How did you feel at school today?”

Both are important. But an imbalance can have long-term effects:

• Too much task focus can create emotional detachment, where self-worth is tied to productivity. As adults, this can lead to guilt when resting, a fixation on achievement, and the urge to fix every problem. (It’s the nail!)
• Too much emotion focus can create hyperfixation on feelings, making it harder to move through them. (It’s not about the nail!)

What We Can Do

As parents and caregivers, we can help children build emotional agility by:

• Balancing achievement with emotional awareness—helping them see that both what they do and how they feel matter.
• Paying attention to our language—considering how we validate and guide their emotions in everyday conversations.

Think about how you respond when someone is struggling. What messages about emotions did you receive as a child? How do they shape the way you speak to your own kids?

By becoming aware of these patterns, we take a step toward raising children who are both emotionally connected and resilient. And in doing so, we help create a more emotionally agile world for all.